New Rule: No Shame in Being the Sorry Party

Bill Maher
Host of HBO's "Real Time with Bill Maher"
Posted: August 21, 2009 10:42 AM

New Rule: If Mitt Romney, Karl Rove and Sarah Palin all think America has never done anything wrong, we must be doing something wrong. Look at them: an empty suit, an empty heart and an empty head. It looks like the news team on Good Morning Hell. And what they've been competing about lately is who would not apologize the most. America is infallible, and apologies are horrible things that must never, ever be given. Except by me when I make a joke about the Pope. "We're perfect -- deal with it," is their new handshake. But I say, what's wrong with America occasionally saying, "I'm sorry"? Because these are the three sorriest white people I've ever seen.

In his first week as president, Obama did an interview with Arab TV in which he said, "We sometimes make mistakes. We have not been perfect." Thought crime! And then he went to Cairo and violated one of those absolute eternal rules the Right Wing is always making up out of thin air: "The president must never apologize on foreign soil. Lest our allies begin to doubt that we're assholes. "

But what did Obama actually say to make Karl Rove's head explode and the popcorn fly out? Cover your children's ears: When he was asked if he believed in American exceptionalism, he said he did, the same way "the Brits believe in British exceptionalism and the Greeks in Greek exceptionalism." Yes, our so-called president actually said people in other countries might like their countries better. I was so shocked I nearly dropped the Bible I was using to help me masturbate into my gun.

In her farewell speech -- if only -- Sarah Palin kept telling us "how she's wired." Now I'm not a doctor, or an electrician -- but this is faulty wiring, this worldview that, in her words, "we should never apologize for our country." Really? Never? Not for slavery? Or Japanese internment camps, or if we tortured the wrong guy at Guantanamo? The Indians? Nothing, Sarah? "The Real Housewives of Atlanta"? Shouldn't John McCain apologize for... you?

Read More »

Read more...

Quotes

"Glenn Beck said Obama is a racist.
Every time you watch Glenn Beck,
it gets easier to hate white people."
-- Conan

Source

Wouldn't he make a much better fit over at Fox News?

"He is Michael Jordan playing on a bad team. There’s nobody to pass the ball to."
-Bill Maher about President Obama and Congress

Source

He's only been in office 100 days or so and the slings and arrows are already primed and ready for him. On the other hand, 100 days was enough time for Michelle Malkin to spit out her vitriol on Obama and cast.

Read more...

Religulous

Religulous
Bill Maher's Religulous - Release date: October 3, 2008.

A poster for RELIGULOUS, a documentary about world religion, directed by Larry Charles (BORAT: CULTURAL LEARNINGS OF AMERICA FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS NATION OF KAZAKHSTAN, "Curb Your Enthusiasm") and starring political humorist and author Bill Maher ("Real Time With Bill Maher," "Politically Incorrect").

Synopsis:

The documentary RELIGULOUS follows political humorist and author Bill Maher (“Real Time With Bill Maher,” “Politically Incorrect”) as he travels around the globe interviewing people about God and religion. Known for his astute analytical skills, irreverent wit and commitment to never pulling a punch, Maher brings his characteristic honesty to an unusual spiritual journey. Directed by Larry Charles (BORAT: CULTURAL LEARNINGS OF AMERICA FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS NATION OF KAZAKHSTAN, “Curb Your Enthusiasm”), RELIGULOUS will mark Charles’ first feature project since the critically acclaimed, wildly successful BORAT. Jonah Smith and Palmer West of Thousand Words (A SCANNER DARKLY, REQUIEM FOR A DREAM) are producing. [via]

Trailer | Official Site

Read more...

Bill Maher's The Decider

"What is with the Republicans' campy admiration of Reagan? They're like gay guys with Streisand! These guys want to put him on a stamp so they can lick his ass!"

Anyone see Bill Maher's stand-up special on HBO, The Decider? Hilarious.

Read more...

Bill Maher: New Rules For Bush And Cheney

Bill Maher: New Rules For Bush And Cheney

"Traitors don't get to question my patriotism. What could be less patriotic than constantly screwing things up for America? You know, it's literally hard to keep up with the sheer volume of scandals in the Bush Administration. Which is why I like to download the latest scandal right onto my iPod. That way, I can catch up on this week's giant fuck-up on my drive in to work." Read More

Watch the above YouTube piece from last Friday's show or read the same rant from the HBO site.

Read more...

Don't Date Him Girl
Women bent on revenge and on saving others from their fate can anonymously post their dating horror stories on the 2-month-old site, complete with names and pictures. They can also check the database of cheaters for a suspected player.

Thanks for the warning, although no explanation necessary for this fine specimen. I posted something similar on Sept 7 about a Dickhead Registry Actually, it's been a veritable parade of dicks and drugs around here lately. Link - via

Live Blogging Martha
11:10 We understand that the hurricane shout-out is obligatory and basically unavoidable, but Martha’s flat voice is about as warm as George W’s. “Yesterday was also 9-11.” Thanks, we had no idea. Let’s fucking cook something… via

If President Bush is going to exclusively play to military audiences, he must carry a golf club like Bob Hope and tell the Marines that the mess in Iraq is bigger than Dolly Parton's boobs. Why is there a troop shortage in Iraq? Because so many of them have to be here doing photo-ops with this clod. This guy has shown his ass to more servicemen than a bar girl in Thailand. --Bill Maher

Queerty is a fun, new site that's agenda-free. If it were any gayer it would be Elton John's fanny pack.

"NAPS is all about laughs. We are not degenerates or Pervs, we are PREverts with a good sense of humor and want share some laughter." Brand new site that's really taking off. Link

100 days without Sex - Belle de Jour scandalised literary society with her candid diaries of life as a prostitute - and her admission that she enjoyed sex with strangers. So how would she cope with celibacy? Link

Drawn curtain reveals naked emporer, fiddling.

Read more...

The last time I had a big ol' reach around, hair pulling, ass slapping, belly laugh? While watching Bill Maher read his New Rules segment this weekend.

Ready. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: If you have to tell me what fraction of you is Native American, you're not really an Indian. There's a word for people who claim to be one-quarter Indian: Puerto Rican.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: I don't need an annoying little sticker on each individual piece of fruit. Let me get this straight: our borders aren't secure, but we're still going through the plums by hand? You know, those stickers are the opposite of appetizing, especially the one on kiwis that says, "Don't these kind of look like your balls?"

And finally, New Rule: Pharmacists have to fill prescriptions. As our audience seems to already know, more and more American pharmacists are refusing to fill prescriptions for birth control because of their personal moral objections. Hey, you know what would really teach us a lesson? If you took off your pretend doctor jacket and got another job.

Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe cutting off the pill doesn't even go far enough. Yeah, it's high time activist drugstores stopped coddling sluts on every aisle. Let's not sell any more makeup either. A good woman doesn't paint herself. And no more deodorant. You should smell bad. Keep the boys from getting ideas. And no suntan lotion. I've seen what happens at the MTV Beach House, you whore. You want to avoid melanoma, buy a veil.

Why is this country becoming Utah?! You know, I know the conservatives are always saying that the coastal elites don't really get it about them because we just fly over. Okay, maybe. But, you know what? You guys don't get us either. We need to fuck. Refusal to provide birth control threatens our economy and our very way of life here in Southern California. There's a lot of hot chicks out here, man. We need birth control! I mean, seriously, how do you think movies get made?

Now, of course, I know the other side is saying, yes, but this is a moral issue. Yeah, but the problem is, not everyone gets their morals from the same book. You go by the book that says slavery is okay but sex is wrong until after marriage, at which point it becomes a blessed sacrament between a husband and the wife who is withholding it.

In conclusion, let me say to all the activist pharmacists out there, the ones who think sex is bad probably because sex with them always is. Fellas, a pharmacist is not a law-giver, not even a doctor. In the medical pecking order, you rank somewhere in between a chiropractor and a tree surgeon.

You don't answer to a law above the laws of men. You work for Save-On. The doctors are the ones who make medical decisions because they went to medical school, whereas you were transferred from the counter where people drop off film.

Between a chiropractor and a tree surgeon. Get over your righteous self.

Read more...

The Drugs Index - the psychedeliest portal on the planet! (says the website) Mind altering drugs, art & ideas.



Boomer Grandparents offer guide to being hip and helpful by Asheville writer, Allan Zullo, a grandfather who co-wrote with his wife Kathryn "A Boomer's Guide to Grandparenting" Link



Copenhagen's Hippie Haven - Denmark's conservative government is gunning for Copenhagen's counterculture Christiania neighborhood, aka Freetown. But as history has shown, the challenge may just make that hippie haven a bit stronger.



"No Puppet Fucking!" sez Bill Maher, about the movie, Team America from the makers of South Park. "If I had any interest in wooden sex with strings attached, I'd get married."



saturday morning me//

sipping hot chocolate/heat is turned on/

jeans/black polarfleece top/houseshoes/

Listening: Unearthed by E S Posthumus

husband unit's twisting one up/

mulling over a new job offer/

another appt Monday/then I go back home/

so how about you?/



Just a little slice of damnit.

Read more...

We came. We bombed. We fucked up. Top 30 Reasons to Vote Bush - Cheney '04. [found @ youliveyoulifeasifitsreal]



Anybody with a giant vagina tattooed on them and 4 spikes in their dick is extremely ballsy in my book. And speaking of balls, he just happens to have 3 of those. The shady life and uncertain future of a legendary roadie. [link]



Spain didn't waste time planning and organizing after their recent tragedy. Their leader encouraged them to show their solidarity and they hit the streets en mass. [photo] Bush sent regards to Spain about the tragedy: "If it makes you feel any better, we can attack a country that had nothing to do with it." [via: bill maher, hbo]



New Ronnie Wood Interview - After a physical, if he doesn't stop smoking now, he'll develop emphysema in a year. Also sets the record straight about recent claims of falling off the wagon. [link]



AIR AMERICA RADIO NETWORK (Liberal Radio) TO LAUNCH MARCH 31, 2004 - They've got a great line-up of on-air talent. Janeane Garofalo, Al Franken, and more.



Wanna Ride Naked? Bicyclists uniting worldwide to show their protest of oil dependency on June 12. Asheville's trying to organize a group. There are many bike riders, bike tours, bike races, and bike clubs in the Asheville, NC area.



If you can't laugh at yourself, allow me.

Read more...

.....Good Morning



::Women's Equality Day

Today marks the anniversary of the 1920 proclamation of the Nineteenth Amendment to the USA Constitution, which gave the vote to women in that country. It is also known as Susan B Anthony Day after the feminist.



::Pigasus for President

"...the nomination of the boar hog Pigasus for President of the United States by the Yippies had been the most "transcendentally lucid" political act of the twentieth century…", Robert Anton Wilson, The Illuminatus! Trilogy. This week marks the 35th anniversary of the 1968 Chicago Democratic Convention and all the surrounding bullshit fiasco, and fun; depending on how you looked at it. [via: Wilson's Blogmanac]



::Throw The Bum Out - Sure are a lot of sites cropping up dedicated to the ousting of Resident Bush lately.



::Tricycle: The Buddhist Review

Read your daily Dharma Quotes, too.



::Orgy Blog



::Warren Zevon

The Warren Zevon documentary of the making of his final album Sunday night on VH1 didn't disappoint. The last cut was done at his home under a fog of a recognizable morphine haze as you can see he's fading fast.



::TV Pundits Weigh In

Finally, a candidate who can explain the Bush administration's positions on civil liberties in the original German." ~Bill Maher, on Schwarzenegger running for Governor.



"The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does the guy wind?" ~David Letterman



"They're saying Arnold will get 95% of the vote. At least according to his brother, Jeb Schwarzenegger." ~Craig Kilborn





::MAY 2003

Dear Parents:

Your little darling is really working my last nerve.

One more month and you get her back.

Sincerely,

Your child's Teacher



AUGUST 2003

Dear Teachers:

She's b-a-a-a-c-k.

Sincerely,

Mom



Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full. I say, are you going to drink that damn thing or not?

Read more...

::Good morning....It's Friday! Aloha Friday to my Hawaii friends.



::Beck trying to cope with 106+ (40 for europeans and canadians) everyday extreme heat in Italy and Spain.



::Bill Maher going out on a limb, like Alec Baldwin did in 2000 – "if Gary Coleman wins the governor’s race, I'm moving to France."



::Support Independent Media! Get a deck of "The Loaded Deck" Bush Cartel Playing Cards by TVNewsLies.org. The Joker, of course, is George W. Bush: "United the world against America, military deserter, thinks he can speak for God. Recent jokes played on the US: consistent lying, pushing tax cuts for rich buddies, hiring felons, ordering invasion and military occupation under false pretenses."



::Or you could buy the macho Elite Force Bush doll. I see him carrying it on Air Force One as he shuffles off to his 35 days of vacation in Texas. Puts the doll in the seat beside him and straps it in, too. He calls for someone to bring his 'little buddy' a beverage, which ilicits the hunched shouldered laugh he's working on stifling per Laura's order. Pseudo laughs all around. Har har har, shit. Is it over yet?



"Oh Lord, may he lose control of his bowels in those final moments so that the last and only warm feeling he ever experiences is his own shit." National Day of Prayer; the Larry Flynt version.



::Quote For Today

It is well to give when asked but it is better to give unasked, through understanding.

~Kahlil Gibran, 'On Giving,' The Prophet, 1923



I've upped my standards, now up yours!

Read more...

Good afternoon to you...I'm coming to you live from my new home today. Of course, one of the first things I had to do was try out the pc to make sure it survived the ride over. (Although we only moved about 2 miles away.) I wanted to journal, check my email, and then get back to unpacking and deciding where stuff goes.



::Dude, Where's My General Lee? Do I really want to know?



::Is God as Mean as the Republicans? Somehow I just can’t see Jesus with a "Kick Their Ass, Take Their Gas" Bumper Sticker. (He won't actually "take" their gas. He’ll pay a very smart price for it to Halliburton and the like at the gas pump.) [via Buzzflash]



::New Bill Maher interview is good. Did you realize when he spoke out about 9/11, which led to ABC firing him, that Rush Limbaugh was his very first defender?



::Howard Dean's in your face tv ad running today in Texas. I saw it Sunday on Meet The Press. He's managing to scare some of the other democratic runners; especially Lieberman. Joe's not really a Democrat, is he? I refer to him as a Republicrat.



Happy Birthday Yunape! Hope you enjoy your special day.



::Quote For Today

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson



Excuse my typing. I'm reloading.

Read more...

Good morning. I know how busy your lives can be, so I really appreciate your stopping by.



Do you live in a state or province that has Tax Free Days? We're having it now in North Carolina & South Carolina for the next 3 days; usually have it for Back To School sales.



Howard Dean is looking better the more I hear or read about him. A NC lady donates her recent $400 tax rebate check to the Dean campaign.



Nicotini, which, as the name suggests, is a cocktail with a smoker’s cough—an ethereal blend of vanilla-flavored vodka, the coffee liqueur Kahlua and a splash of tobacco juice. Sounds kinda gross.



Fun Link My Pet Skeleton One of Anne's favs.

Design Link Netdiver Design talent. All day site.

Bill Maher Blog Come on in. There's room for all of us.



Quote For Today

Courage is fear holding on a minute longer. ~George Smith Patton



saturday morning me//

celadon linen shirt/jeans/ponytail/oh well/

wheat bagel#1/coffee#2/cig#3/

listening: stevie ray vaughn/

how about you?/



If it weren't for Edison I'd be surfing the internet by candlelight.

Read more...

Good Morning...



Old movies I've watched again lately that didn't stand the test of time. Ned Kelly. Still painful to watch, but it IS Mick as a young man. A Clockwork Orange. It helped to have the actual glossary that came with the book. I was so stoned when I saw it the first time in Daytona Beach, (or was it Fort Lauderdale?) that the surrounding experience glorified the whole movie for me. But, Malcolm MacDowell was rushed to the head of coolness in one fell swoop. And would have stayed there until I happened to see him on Fantasy Island. And Crossroads. I fussed over it at one time, and now it's just corny to me.



Was I so fickle at 15? My wonderful daughter can seem like Linda Blair in the Exorcist one minute, and be all sweetness and light the next minute. Seriously. She can quickly change her mood and I'm left shaking my head. I seem to remember myself being consistently bitchy or consistently aloof. But she can go from zero to bitch in under 6 seconds. I'm still too stunned to talk to her about it. I don't know if an embrace or a duck 'n' cover is in order. But I still tell her every single night, "I love you just the way you are", even if it does conjur up a pukefest in her mind.



I want some great satirist to speak for our country. But, it won't be Bill Maher. Although he's come closer than most, there's just no heart, or passion there. After watching Mort Sahl, Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, and George Carlin, the bar is still up there pretty high. I expect a great deal out of my political satirists.



Jimmy Carter can't NOT speak his heart on the upcoming war. This should be required reading for everyone.



MoDo's 'Xanax Cowboy' column agrees with my Bush speech assessment of him calling forth the 'Thorazine Salute'.



A company tied to Vice President Dick Cheney has won a Pentagon contract for advice on rebuilding Iraq's oil fields after a possible war.



Coming soon to a theater near you.

Rent my chest?



I have always dreamed

Of a home filled with children:

An instant sweatshop

[via: haikooties]



Birthdays - March 9

John Cale - (Velvet Underground - 1942)

Robin Trower - 1945



Quote For Today

I will permit NO MAN to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him.

~Booker T. Washington



I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

Read more...

Good morning. I am waterlogged from all the rain.

Smith and Wesson just released it's new 50 caliber magnum. Bigger than Dirty Harry's 44. And me with an expired hunting license. The new gun is for hunting, they say. Right. And the Hummer is for rescuing baby seals in Antarctica. No really, it's for hunting. They swear. It's for those sportsmanlike times when you want to blow that goddamn elk into so many little bitty smithereerny chunks it will look like God's precious creature just met with the business end of a grain thresher. Screw the meat, let's go for splatter. [via: sfgate]

Weapons of mass destruction Iraq doesn't want you to see.

The Virtual March was a resounding success Wednesday and Thursday. I called three locations and my husband called two.

What profiteth a man if he gain regime change in Iraq and lose the whole world order in the process?

Media Whores has tons of great comments today. Pseudo-celeb Dennis Miller and his remarks about the French. I don't want to even get started on the air biscuit that is Ted Nugent. I've not had my half pot of espresso yet. Bill O'Reilly's pompous ass proclaiming "You Will Be Spotlighted" if you oppose the war after it's engaged. [the last recipient of my DickHead Award--he's headed for Dickhead of the Year] A former Bush supporter admits how he made a mistake. Bill Maher say, "Iraq is Waco. Saddam Hussein is David Koresh." Good analogy. Don Imus called Dan Rather's interview with Saddam Hussein "treasonous". The fact that I-man still has supporters is treasonous to me.

Just a note: If you are ever unable to get into this site for whatever reason, please try it through Blogspot. http://easybakecoven.blogspot.com. It's my backup whenever I'm having server problems, etc. Thanking you!

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Read more...

Good Monday morning...

I cannot believe that no one had the balls, or the nerve, if your prefer, to say anything about the war at the Grammys. Unless I missed something flip-flopping around the dial between the crappy parts. The only utterance I heard was when Fred "I wanna be Eminem when I grow up" Durst managed to timidly eek out, "uhh, war is a bad thing", or something of that ilk. I'd like to think that at least Avril Lavinge had something about NO WAR on the inside of her jacket when she opened it wide at the beginning of her number. But the camera was creatively poised on her backside, so you wouldn't be able to see but a glimpse of it. In a country that has overwhelmingly demonstrated their quest for a peaceful resolution with Iraq through rallies and demonstrations, I find it absolutely appalling that no one spoke out last night.

getting off my soapbox now---i'm gonna need it for the derby



I'm on a blog hunt today for anyone who happened to see the new Bill Maher show on HBO the other night. One of his guests was Ann Cunt Coulter and I fell asleep during his opening segment and missed the whole show. Did he rip her a new one? Johnny Bacardi said the whole thing was pretty much a snooze-fest.



I found a pretty cool assortment of Anti-War Posters.

[via: pickle juice]



Monica has put up a photoblog that is very good. There sure is a lot of good writing and photography out in the blogworld. Kaneblues also has great pics in his "Visual" section.



I'm zipping through the days at lightning speed.

Plug in, flush out and fire the fuckin feed.

Heading for the overload,

splattered on the dusty road,

kick me like you've kicked before,

I can't even feel the pain no more.

Rocks Off--Stones



Quote For Today

"Tell me how much you know of the sufferings

of your fellow men and I will tell you

how much you love them."

~Helmut Thielicke, German theologian

Read more...